Monday, 16 February 2009

Update

I listened to myself recently. I actually listened. I was shocked. I didn't like what I was hearing.

When I'm speaking nowadays, it seems that more than anything, I want to push people away. Whenever someone tries to hold a conversation with me, I will start to incessantly rant like a mad dog about some issue or another, force-feed my views, bitch, patronise, act like a know-it-all, swear like a sailor and/or just spew unnecessary sarcasm. And I do all this like a runaway train which can't stop. I can imagine this negativity, not to mention verbosity, puts people off wanting to go beyond "Hello" the next time they see me.

I don't think I was always like this. I mean, yes, there were times when I was upset, depressed, pissed-off, tired or frustrated over something, and my speech at those times may have been less than gracious. But I was always proud that for the most part, I listened before I talked, and when I did talk I talked sensibly and kindly. I asked about how people were and sincerely wanted to know. Even when I was mean or annoyed I was controlled or good-humoured about it. Nowadays I just don't give a damn about any of that.

And nowadays, I'm just angry. About many, many things. And I don't know how to manage all this negativity, all this discontent. So my words reek of bitterness. Sure, I wasn't a walking ray or sunshine before this, anyone who knows me knows that, but I don't think I was a constant fuse waiting to blow either.

And because I talk to so few people nowadays (not by choice), those who are nice enough to speak to me will have to bear a tirade of fury because my anger is now concentrated inside rather than spread out over a wide net of social contacts. Confounding this is the fact that I don't often get to do things that give me great satisfaction or comfort. And to make things even worse is that the things that I do do regularly exasperate, annoy and/or bore me.

Maybe I need a hobby to calm me. Stamp collecting or knitting or something like that. Or maybe I should just do what I should have done ages ago: run away to Tibet and be a monk. I've always wondered what yak butter tea tastes like.
A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Luke 6:45

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I miss our late night talks. You know you've got a friend in me :) I will always listen and be blatantly honest about my views. Yes, maybe you should take up a hobby. It will clear your head a bit. I suggest jogging. It's amazing how therapeutic listening to your own foot steps can be.

L

Algernon said...

Oh yes, I miss them too. Thank you for the encouragement and honesty, it means a lot to me a time like this.
Guess what? I was already saving up money to buy a pair of running shoes!
Algy xoxo

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